Tuesday, September 8, 2009

remember the future [mega rant]

i'd like to take this opportunity to invite you to remember what u thought you're life would be like now 6 years, 3 years, or even one year ago and how do you measure up?

Last year around this time my blood was turning green with jealousy, i so deeply envied the students battling through their final weeks of school. i did not consider the fact that they had to face the definitive final exams, i just saw their rugby tops, heard them leaving school before 3.25pm, and began to feel their presence dissipating. I felt so happy for them and so encouraged to get through one more year, however being in that 'position' i must say the sensation i thought it would be is seriously lacking!

to be honest my mind is currently plagued with possibilities for the future, recently i've been waking up in the mornings thinking "3 months from now what is everything gonna be like?"
... are all my skies going to be blue, are all the trees going to be leafy and green, are all the birds going to be singing? or
... will i be stalked by cumulonimbus clouds, will the weight of civilian glances feel like 5 tonnes of shame, will my white room walls become grey and reek with disdain.
There will be minimal stress, late nights, no work, no pressure, no early mornings(i hope), no purpose, no ...wait what? ...NO PURPOSE!?
i find that thought unsettling. the fact is 13/17 years of my current life have been spent attending education institutions on a daily basis, inevitably my life has become shaped around this ideal of school without it i don't know what i'd do...all i can do is hope try/struggle and hope for the best.
this reminds me of advice such as:'study harder' or 'try harder' or 'it all comes down to YOU' ...all of which is as helpful the sound of a toilet flush. I seek help for benefit, to be externally aided in some way or another. Those 'words of wisdom' remind me of when i ask my someone for their opinion on a subject and they reply 'up to you...' WTF?! am i not worthy of your mighty opinion? ...or are you just so lazy that you ceebs thinking of one? -.- either way GRRRRR.
~Please excuse the digression, my focus lapsed :(~
as i toy with the unlimited potential of the unknown i fear i may meander into dangerous territory. expectations might be set which if unmet could be a crippling blow to my consciousness. i AM deterred but i cannot help it. and then i go on to think if we all die in the end whether it be 50 or 100 years from now then what is the point? i've received the gift of life, but if it proves more nuisance then an enjoyment then why? should we be grateful for a gift that fails? for example if someone receives a..hmmm a broken limb for their birthday should they be grateful? ...after all 'it is the thought that counts!' someone made the effort to deliver...

i'm currently trying to remember all the possibilities for my life in 3 months time, and when that time comes i shall compare and blog about that... just for fun no?


- e d i

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